About me

So a bit about me:

I'm apparently "bright yet self deprecating which is a dangerous combo!!". Was told that recently and took it as a compliment...

I get bored really easily. This most often manifests itself within the career side of things but can come out fairly easily when it comes to men. See my CV for proof.

If I want to do something, I mainly just find a way to do it and get on with it. As illustrated by my fourres into private detectiving, recruitment and my own business.

People say I am a cynic and pessismistic but I dispute this. Yes I always kind of expect the worst but would argue that comes from experience. At the same time I always hope for the best in people. When it comes to relationships, I don't get bitter and twisted despite the catastrophes that have occured, I always throw myself optimistically and whole heartedly at things. I wish there was a word "Poptimist" - if there was then I would be that.

I am a wierdo magnet. This one is indisputable. If there is a wierdo lurking, they will actively seek me out. Have no idea why, maybe I have a face which looks like it won't tell you to fuck off no matter what you do - this is incorrect!! It used to be more true than nowadays. Admittedly I will give anyone a first chance and maybe a second but when you really start to push your luck I will lose my rag.

I like eating, drinking, watching films and people and reading. I used to like smoking but don't anymore, although I still haven't as yet managed to bin the habit.
I can sit for hours and just watch people, it's utterly fascinating (hence I think the PI obsession!)

I couldn't live in a world without music. I used to sing well, play things (clarinet & piano) well, now I do none of the above. The singing is reasonable I guess but years of smoking have put paid to any level of decency.

I hate sport. I can watch rugby but that's it. I don't like anything that makes me sweat or more importantly makes my hair go curly - it's a battle enough keeping it straight on a daily basis. Although I have finally realised that at somepoint one has to do something and am thinking of getting a punchbag as it would at least combine violence and cardio...

I love languages and travel. To me learning languages doesn't feel like work, it's more an opportunity to know more diverse people. If I can't go to a country and say within reason what I want to say in the language, I feel uncomfortable there.

I am completely OCD. I never thought this would be possible but if I haven't cleaned for a week I get antsy. If things aren't EXACTLY where they should be it makes me feel nervous. When particularly stressed I start compulsive hand washing and writing lists. I now try to not write lists about anything for fear of the list writing escalation!! And hand shaking puts the fear of god into me, I would rather kiss anyone at all.

Florence is one of my favourite places on earth, as is Crete where my parents (as they were then, now one is gone) have a house. People in Crete never want to be anywhere else, never want more "things", look after each other and are overwhelmingly friendly. All of these qualities are things I find admirable.

I love France and the french. I love their absolute refusal to conform, I love their occasional rudeness and I love their values. I would go back there and live there forever if anyone was ever stupid enough to come with me (although I would probably smoke and eat even more if I did)

I love animals and own a dog although he no longer lives with me. I view leaving my dog as one of the most despicable things I have ever done (despite the fact that he has a wonderful life with his "daddy" and he is very well looked after). I try not to think about it much as if I do, it makes me cry.

I love my eyes, my lips and my boobs. My eyes are hazel/green depending on sunlight and one has a small wierd speck in the middle of it. My lips are pretty full on so no botox for me there. Despite everything else seemingly heading south since my late 20's, my boobs are upright at all times and my entire circle of friends have been warned that if this ever changes, all shit will break loose!

I nearly always wear heels that are at least 4 inches. In spite of being reasonably tall I guess for a bird, if I wear flats I feel tiny and frumpy. I can't walk properly or drive in flat shoes, wierd but true.

This is a strange one after the last one but I hate feet (probably hence the need to make them as beautiful as possible with wicked footwear. If we could walk without them I would cut them off now. And anyone else's I view as even worse...

Diametrically opposed to my footwear, my clothing sense is awful. I have no sense of style or fashion and wear jeans 99.9% of the time even though I know they do me no favours at all. I would get up and put pyjamas and heels on everyday if I could get away with it.

I am I think, a good friend and have been lucky enough to have been blessed with the kind of friends that I thank god (or someone) for every day. My friends are not acquaintences, they are people you can rely on and I have often had to. I *hope* that this is because I deserve them by the way I treat them but either way it's good.

I am an absolute romantic. I left a man I care deeply about after 11 years because I thought there had to be more to it. Even if view of the disastrous dating since, I still believe it despite evidence to the contrary. I did not hurt someone I love to settle for even less and I never will change my mind on this. Unfortunately I appreciate that this could result in me being on my own forever.

I never used to like gardening, olives, feta cheese or anchovies. All of this has changed over the last 5 years. I will always remember the story that my 100 year old great granny told me about her not liking tomatoes her whole life. She tried them again at 99 and found them delicious, she then died 4 years later...I try to bear this lesson in mind at all times.

I can't stand white as a wall colour. Nothing in my house is white, if it has to be pale, it's cream or indian cotton. My wall colours are all colours, I live in a house, not a dentists.

I am motherless. This hasn't always been the case of course, more a recent development. Wierdly this is something that I had never considered possible but one mninute she had a "cold" and 4 months later she was dead. In between I watched something with horror and a strange mixture of awe ravage her and make the person she was completely disappear. If ever I have had a kick up the arse in life, this was it! It stills feels strangely surreal and even now I feel odd about it when I tell people that she's not here.

Probably as a direct result of the last thing, I have developed a new obsession with mediums, the paranormal and spiritualism. Not that odd I guess as a coping mechanism although I think my brother and sister both disagree strongly.

I adore my brother and sister! This wasn't always the case but in recent times has become much more so and am lucky to have both of them.

And for the moment, that is all I can think of although much more than I thought I originally would!

So you think you want a puppy?

I wrote this for a Dobermann magazine following one of the best days of my life (at the time). The day when I was finally allowed after 6 years of persuading my then boyfriend that I needed to get a dog!! Anyone thinking along similar lines should read it...although I know many people who have gone through the same thing perfectly harmoniously but of course, not me...Be careful what you wish for!!

Best Laid Plans...

So you think you want a puppy?

You grew up with dogs that were adored family pets and you have always had a romantic notion that when the conditions are right, you will get yourself your very own dog, one that no one can take away and one that you can mould to be a beautifully behaved, loyal companion and a best friend that goes everywhere with you.

Then reality hits…

When I brought Jake home, I was so happy I thought I would burst. This was the culmination of 6 years worth of persuading the other half that having another dog would make me happier than anything else. The decision was certainly not taken lightly. I even left work in order to afford me all the time in the world for training and socialisation etc. As we drove the 4 hours home however, I must admit that it suddenly hit me what a huge change this would mean to my life. I had left work and would be “at home” all day, I wouldn’t be able to go out as and when for unspecified amounts of time without having to prepare first and I also suddenly realised that I knew nothing about puppy rearing. I had read all the usual books and stuff but still suddenly became very daunted by the prospect of it all. So when we got home, I was pleased to find that the little bundle just wanted a huge long cuddle and a long sleep. The funniest bit was how he reduced Tony to a soppy mess, there must have been 150 photos taken of the Mock that first evening.

We all went to bed tired but happy …for all of two minutes before the howling started. We lived out in the middle of nowhere thankfully, because I swear to god, by the noise the doglet was making, you’d have thought someone was trying to kill him. That first night was hell. You know what you should or shouldn’t do but what you do is invariably different. At the beginning of the howling, I swore I wouldn’t pander to it and keep going downstairs, but by 4 hours of constant wailing later, I was tearing my hair out. I went downstairs to be greeted by a room full of wees and poos. Incredible amounts of that come from someone so small, I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself (and from then on night after night for months).

The first morning I came back downstairs I felt like I hadn’t slept for a month and proceeded to embark on what I was later to find out was the new “morning routine”. Before I could even really open my eyes, I had to take pup out for toilets and then return and contain the little monster whilst I mopped the entire kitchen floor. By 6 months, I swear I could mop that floor whilst asleep. I would sleep with one eye open whilst imagining I could hear the little git weeing all over my kitchen. I became truly a woman possessed.

For the first several months, I remember tiptoeing around when Jake was asleep, praying to god that he wouldn’t wake up and I could have the luxury of having a bath or gasp, having the time to put the washing away. When he was awake, everything was difficult. Sorting washing was obviously a game for his benefit, ironing used to be impossible to do without Jake in his crate as he would tug on the cord and I would turn to see the iron toppling, I’d go to the loo, he’d howl, I’d make a phone call, he’d bite my ankles.

And speaking of biting – you give them love and shelter and food and they bite you, constantly!! My god, those little needle teeth are like razor blades on fragile hands. I remember going for a blood test a month into having Jake and the nurse asked me if I was being battered due to all the bruises and scratches all over my arms.

And the number one pastime of all for the little demon Dobe is getting up to mischief and being naughty. I’ve lost count of the things he’s done to humiliate me or upset me. I read Gwen Bailey’s the perfect puppy, Jake obviously decided it wasn’t his cup of tea as he shredded it. I think it was then that I well and truly realised that it didn’t bode well …

There was the time when after starting basic obedience we were the ONLY people in the class who were made to redo the course and were not allowed to graduate, prompting much mirth and merriment from friends and family, oh the humiliation.

Then of course there was the time that I took Jake to the playing fields for a lovely blat about and before I knew it he had run off and stolen a 5 year old child’s football, piercing it in the process and then refusing to either give it back or be caught by me for the next 30 minutes. Of course, being on a dog walk I didn’t go armed with any money but out of sheer embarrassment I do remember offering the father a mobile phone!!

And only two days ago, he decided that he recognised a man whilst on our walk and proceeded to play bow at him followed by running at him full pelt!! He’s never seen this guy before but from the look on his face, you’d think he was a long lost playmate. The guy was completely understanding at first, but I have to say, I think his patience wore thin when after refusing to come back to me, Jake allowed the gentleman past only to run at him from behind and jump on his back knocking him flat on the floor. I know he was only trying to give him a kiss but come on, it’s hardly acceptable behaviour.

I’ve learnt that one can only apologise so much before it becomes superfluous and insincere. I wouldn’t mind if I hadn’t bothered training him. We currently go to training classes two evenings a week and what do you think it’s taught him – How to play the game of course. He is now a different dog to days of old in training classes but of course, he has incentive there. Enter an interesting blade of grass of bit of horse poo into the equation and you can forget it.

Don’t get me wrong he does have his good points. He’s friendly as anything (which may be a disadvantage for one with such a long tongue!!!), he’s never actually destroyed anything in my house (touch wood) and you hear so much about puppies chewing things up. He never disappears when off lead (you just have to put him back on quick before he clocks anything more interesting than you or you’re fighting a losing battle), he’s good with other dogs (although he does become tiresome to them reasonably quickly as he’s like a leaping salmon!!) and he’s damn good company (when he’s asleep)

Okay so now I sound like I hate my beautiful boy, I don’t but believe me, it’s been an education and I wouldn’t be without my little Mock. Occasionally now, at 15 months, I see flashes of the brilliant dog he will turn out to be. When he’s not with me, I feel like a part of me is missing, that I left something behind. It may just be that some people are more patient than others and I may have to just face the fact that I prefer my dogs, like my people, when they’re more mature and easy to relate to!!

Many a time I sat sobbing on the kitchen floor, me a grown woman, having been reduced to a blubbering wreck, mad as hell one minute with Jake and then looking straight up into the most beautiful big brown eyes and reminding me what all the effort is for. He drives me absolutely nuts but when he gets up out of his bed just to come and give me a kiss before going back to bed, I know it’s worth it. It reminds me of that famous Vinnie Jones quote - “It’s been emotional.”

Random thoughts so far this week...

1) Where is the justice? A bloody tresemme ad with a Nigel Harman voiceover & NO VISUAL!! What's the point of that then?

2) It's a sign!! I go to bed thinking about foxes, and wake up and one has moved in - perfect!! - I wake up and look out of my kitchen window and there is my fox (which I *told* everyone about but which noone believed me!) sunbathing in my garden

3) One day I will snare the perfect man, in the meantime Matthew McConaughey will more than suffice thanks!!

4) Bright yet self deprecating - a dangerous combo??? Apparently so.... :)

5) I am reminded after last night why people normally change OUT of their pyjamas to go to the shops on the Oxford road :)

6) Forget snakes & ladders, it's snakes & weasels time :)

Dating - the catastrophe way!

Monday 20^th July....

The continuing saga of the Coffee weasel!!....

God I had fun today. I went for a coffee date last Thursday with a random who had Zoosk’d me on Facebook!! That in itself should have put me off but this is the danger of being unemployed and slightly bored, you react to any possible entertainment. And he hadn’t said dinner, he had said coffee – how much harm could that do??

Following the date, received text messages telling me I was sexy and that he would like to see me again etc and then suddenly on Friday he had some strange messages on his Facebook wall which implies that he actually has a girlfriend. Why are these people so damn stupid when you can see these things?? Anyway, hadn’t wanted to tackle him on it, as he deleted these on Friday night and wanted to leave him wondering whether he had been sprung or not so waited till I heard from him and following chain of events ensued!!

Started getting texts at 1pm: (Key : W=weasel, B=me!!)

1pm – W : Hows you sexy? Xx

2pm – W : Are you not talking to me??

2.30pm – B : Yes but my sister is here for lunch, nice weekend? It is me who thought you were not talking to me

3:oopm – W: Been busy...

3.30pm – B: Ah, I thought you had been busy deleting give away posts from your girlfriend from you FB Wall????

BIG PAUSE....

4:30pm – W: No, been in Nottingham – what are you talking about, don’t know what you mean? (kisses stopped here LOL)

4:45pm – B: Oh just saw some weird messages appear like they were by a girlfriend Friday and then they all disappeared – you deleted them I guess...just like honesty, call me cynical...

4:50pm – W: Well be cynical then...your loss!! (Cheek!!)

5:00pm – W: Oh that!! (suddenly seems to dawn, amazing eh????) She is just someone who I have been out with a couple of times, she wants more and I do like her but she keeps mucking me about, is nothing

5:30pm – B: well seems a strange way of dismissing someone who appears quite a lot in your pics including holiday snaps going back 3 years!!!! If there’s no issue why did you delete them, and hasn’t she asked why you deleted them?

6:00pm – W: No

At this point I deem my job done, his ego deflated and can’t be bothered anymore. I hope he deletes himself from my Facebook soon but hasn’t so far and makes me feel sick to think that out of boredom have lined up two other dates this week. Please god they won’t be the same!!

Apart from that pretty busy today, sister came for lunch and had haircut this afternoon. Remember now vividly the last time I had hair cut and felt like a small boy for months till it grew out. Nuff said!!

Tuesday 21^st July....

Date with word tax boy!....

Well approached this one with a lot of trepidation. To re-set the scene, had met Mr X whilst out, he had chatted me up, I had then found out he was 27!!!! A mere babe for god’s sake, then had reluctantly agreed to go out about 2 months ago which was then cancelled due to a leg breaking incident (on his part). This information was thoroughly investigate by me and found to be true as opposed to the usual lie/excuse/whatever. Anyway he suddenly resurfaced last week and said “if I thought you would say yes I would ask you out again”. I refer you to being bored and so after much laying down of the law in terms of “if you blow me out again you’re dead to me” and all of that kind of shit, I agreed again to go out, to the same place we were supposed to go before (probably should have thought this through as bad karma but still...) and today is the day!!

Two hours before said date, he texts me, my heart drops and I read “I’m still ok for tonight. You still ok”. Now this man isn’t one of many words, many of his text or mail messages appear like he is on some kind of word tax but at least, it seems, he is planning on turning up. Stage 1 completed. But as I sit outside the venue 10 minutes before, not wanting to get there before him, I suddenly realise that I don’t know much about him other than he has a child and plays footie (often with the result of collateral damage it seems) and he doesn’t seem to use many words – eeeekkk!! Try phoning two mates to pump me up for this but neither answer their phones – damn them.

8pm, see his van approach and he goes in – I follow (discreetly of course, at a distance) and then sneak up behind him at the bar and prod him in the back (classy!!) At this point he smiles, offers me a drink (which he duly buys albeit a mere lime and soda, we are out in the middle of nowhere after all so I can’t even get plastered which is surely a potential issue!

We sit down at a table and I prepare for the ensuing silence...And then have the wind knocked right out of my sails as he chats away happily, takes the piss that I must know all the songs on the sad backing CD in the pub (as they are clearly pre 1985 and he was only born in 1982!!), apologises for how long coming this has been, and says he thinks it’s funny that I take the piss out of how few words he sends me by text.

Proceed to have a lovely evening – obviously could be better with alcohol hahaha but chat is fine, the boy is pretty beautiful and all is well in the world.

Leave the pub at 10.30 and thus ensues the horrendous wait to see if I have a text saying “bye bye old lady, you’re horrid and I never want to see you again” or even worse, THAT silence where nothing ever comes. Luckily mate phones me, during which I give her a post-mortem and hear a text arriving in the background. Secretly hope it is him saying something reasonable but the post-morten is fair too important to cut short the phone call.

Get off the phone to mate when I walk through the door and check texts:

X : Had a really nice time tonight

Me: So did I thanks – sleep well angel

X: Goodnight sweetheart – ok so still only two words but one of them was a nice one - YAY!!!

Wednesday 22^nd July....

Self defence expert maybe but perhaps needs to be!....

Today features date as nothing much else happened.

Anyway here is the synopsis written immeadiately after I came home at 12.30:

Just in case I forget the finer details tomorrow:

Turned up, was relieved he was not vile...

He was however as predicted about 5 foot 7 not 5 foot 9 (I know because I was as much above him as I was with Tony in heels, me that is in heels LOL)

At the beginning I thought, he’s quite cute, and he was chatty and he’s quite interesting yes...

Then... there was a time when I went to the loo that the second I stood up he eyed me up and down, proper up and down – didn’t like it

He drank at least 3 beers, he had driven and I began to think, hmmm if this is a plot to “stay over” you can forget it sunshine

He talked about exes which is no problem...BUT he talked about the really bad ones in a really bitter type way (rather than just not mentioning them and they were SPECIFIC ones)

He is 40, he has just bought a teeny one bed like min (no probs) but before, he kept banging on about fine dining, swanky restaurants and all that (and now I feel really guilty cos of where I took him and he paid) and he clearly has NO money AND has a real chip on his shoulder about anyone who does or who has nice things and *rubs his face in it* !!!!

After dinner he wanted to go for yet another drink (i knocked it on the head here!!! For fear of having him on my bleeding sofa)

As his hair gel wore off, his hair became less dark, more grey (once again no problem) but also showed up a bad haircut (and I ask you is it that hard for a boy to get a haircut)

I asked him what degree he had and then said “I think it’s psychology”. It was and I think he got the arse about the fact that I had guessed (which really isn’t that hard!!

He also said that he thought I sounded like JODIE MARSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ask you....

I think that may be it!! He’s a definate no!!!

He then texted me later saying:

“Home safe. Thanks for your smashing company.” Oh god, how to bin it!!

hursday 23^rd July....

Hmmm pleasure and pain principle does exist!!....

Got text from wednesday date last night - “It’s quiet in here said Rhubarb...

Couldn’t even THINK about how to approach the "don’t find you attractive bit” so did as I have been taught - if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing...

He clearly took that as I didn’t want to think anymore about it and was quiet for rest of day!

On the plus side, word tax boy later texted me and said

“So, do you know in advance what you are having for dinner tomorrow night then?”

I said “yes, cow!!” (Thought I would be smart and play him at the word tax game)

He said “good choice”

I said “errm yes, sometimes I actually choose well”

He said “even men??” (which shocked the shit out of me)

I said “you tell me”

He said “ If you choose me then yes, I guess a definite yes is in order” (fell off the sofa)

I said “awesome, and you are even less shy now”

He said “getting there!”

Nice AND smiling!!!

Friday 24^th July....

Uh oh!! The Aftermath....

I phoned the hairdresser yesterday and my usual lady is on holiday but spoke to another one about home dying my hair. I keep going to the hairdresser for it and clearly can’t keep affording it and it comes out so quickly I thought it worth asking. She said “just be careful, it won’t go green but it could well go wrong, it is not advisable”

So I think, sod it, let’s do it anyway. They would say that, and if it goes wrong I will have to make an emergency appointment somewhere LOL . Have bought Clairol Casting Creme Gloss Dark Chocolate – should be fun!! Then settle down to TRY and do some job hunting. Process is interrupted by mate who has thrown a sickie and is responding to my mails about car crash dating.

Then I get a text from self defence man: “Was at least 20 texts a day pre date. Don’t think I need PI training to figure that we’re not going to be Mr & Mrs, which is ok...I personally think I did something to offend you. Not sure what but the mood completely changed. I don’t think either of us are the type to pussy foot around. Let me know if you don’t even want to stay on touch by errr not replying I guess. Take care”

Send one back saying : “Sorry about silence yesterday, just had too much in my brain to even think about this. Was going to text you today anyway. Don’t believe that either of us felt a massive attraction (notice what I did there LOL) but would like to stay in touch anyway as mates if that’s ok with you!”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, why do I do this to myself!!! And more importantly, why did I say I want to be mates, oh god is too late now!!

Had a text about 4 hours later with some kind of half arsed joke, why can’t people just slope off gracefully, never to be heard of again????????